WHAT OR WHO IS TRUE BLUE?

Sydney, Sept 22 NZPA - When packing an esky, do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

That's one of the questions in a citizenship test doing the rounds on the Internet.

It looks authentic with the Australian Government Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs letterhead, but it's soon apparent that this is not the test that the government is proposing for new migrants before they can gain citizenship.

Other questions in the fake test include naming the Australian prime minister who held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer, naming five essential items for a barbecue and identifying what budgie smugglers are.

Then there are: On which Ashes tour did Warnie's hair look best? And how often should sausages be turned at a BBQ.

Barbecue methodology and protocol feature prominently in the fake test.

It concludes with a familiar box marked "Office Use Only" which contains the options "In"; "Out"; "Can I have another crack at it?"

The test the Government is proposing as part of its new citizenship laws isn't quite as BBQ-focused, but it is at the centre of heated debate in Australia right now.

Parliamentary secretary for immigration Andrew Robb released the proposals last weekend.

They include requiring potential Australian citizens to pass a written and oral English test and a 30-question general knowledge quiz.

The quiz would ask, in English, about the Australian system of government, the legal system, voting, history and geography. Questions could require people to list the animals on Australia's coat of arms and name the country's national flower.

Robb said the formal citizenship test would not require a university level of understanding of English.

Failure wouldn't impact on a person's existing visa status, and they could re-sit the test.

"It will provide a real incentive to learn English and to understand the Australian way of life," Robb said.

He said citizenship was a privilege. "It tells us who we are are and where we fit in the world. It is a unifying force in Australia and if we give it away like confetti it is not valued."

Most people wanting to become citizens already have to show a basic understanding of English, but requirements are becoming stricter. People will now have to be resident for four years instead of two before being allowed to apply for citizenship.

The proposals have created a storm of protest, particularly from some Muslim leaders, though plenty of people support them as well.

Labor spokeswoman on citizenship Annette Hurley said the question she got asked the most was "Would Australians be able to pass the test?"

The Daily Telegraph newspaper's answer to that, via an informal survey, was that many Aussies would struggle.

It said most citizens questioned struggled to name Australia's national flower as the golden wattle and just one in 10 knew Michael Jeffery was the governor-general.

Most estimated Australia's population to be about 20 million, but many said a koala graced the Commonwealth coat of arms instead of the the kangaroo and emu.

While some said the proposed questions were too tough, a councillor in one of Sydney's most ethnically diverse areas called for Aussie slang to be included in the test.

Nick Adams asked Ashfield Council to lobby the government to make sure migrants understood the Aussie vernacular.

"If you are going to live in Australia, you should be aware of the various Aussie slang around the place. We use slang quite a lot.

"Most migrants probably wouldn't know that when you call someone `Bluey', you're referring to the colour of their hair," he told the Telegraph.

"Often there are blank stares when people are not sure what slang means. It's important in order to properly integrate into Australian culture to be proficient in Aussie slang."

It becomes a question of how far do you go? One writer said tongue-in-cheek maybe migrants should be required to watch Kath and Kim on repeat until they laugh, or they re-evaluate their decision to move to Australia.

The fake test didn't offer answers to its questions, though Bob Hawke was the yardglass champion and Warnie's hair has always been terrible.

It also didn't take into account Australia's close proximity to New Zealand and the need for migrants to know some important trans-Tasman facts.

It should have asked the following.-

* In which country were Russell Crowe, the Finn brothers and Phar Lap born?

* Against which country did Australia deliver an underarm bowl to in a cricket match in 1981, prompting which prime minister to say it was appropriate Australia was wearing yellow?

* How many rugby tests did the Wallabies win against New Zealand this year? Last year? The year before?

Okay, they won one in 2004. You've got to be friendly.

CRIKEY, THEY'RE LOSING THEIR STRINE

Sydney, Sept 15 NZPA - Crikey! Aren't they little beauties?

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin may have sucked the kumara, but he has left behind plenty of arguments about the impression he gave the rest of the world about Australia.

Many latte sophisticates in Sydney and Melbourne winced at him carrying on like a galah with crocodiles and snakes, concerned at the image foreigners might be given of their country.

England-based academic Germaine Greer had her well publicised ill-timed attack and it's clear others were uncomfortable with the way the khaki-clad Irwin not only used animals in his television shows but also the manner in which expressed himself.

Most Australians don't say "crikey" these days and as columnist Peter Ruehl pointed out in the Australian Financial Review, most Aussie guys would be more comfortable with good bottle of red (and a cleansing ale) "than they would playing tag with a crocodile or feeling up a python".

An Australian-based American, Ruehl enjoyed Irwin, calling him "the real deal", but said his biggest gripe was that he managed to perpetuate the idea of Australia being a Crocodile Dundee theme park, "despite the fact that if the country gets any more urbanised, we're going to start regarding goldfish as wild animals.

"When I tell most of my friends back home that most of the cab drivers here know more about economics than the Federal Reserve board (and won't hesitate to tell you about it), they act surprised because they think our kids ride kangaroos to school.

"Irwin contributed to this, and played to it. But he should be excused because he was a showman, and one of the best."

Before Irwin's death, author Phillip Adams mourned the loss of many of what Irwin would have called little beauties, Australian slang terms.

"Marvellously descriptive terms such as dill and drongo have been displaced by the trans-Pacific dickhead," rued Adams in his column in The Weekend Australian.

Some years ago Adams called for a campaign to save Australian slang from extinction and he's having another go.

"The idea was that each of us would adopt a favourite and forgotten colloquial expression and promise to use it at least once a day. You might choose drongo and apply it to a politician."

Australia seems to have a far greater slang lexicon than New Zealand, though they struggle with chilly bins, are disinclined to rattle their dags and don't think the All Blacks are hunky dory.

Adams drooled over the Australian gems beginning with the letter D, just as a random example. As well as drongo and dill, there are dinki-di, dinkum, dole, dukes, daisy-cutter (that's a low foot pass in Aussie Rules), daks, decko (have a look), darl, dazzler, dead loss, dead spit (denoting a strong resemblance), dero (alcoholic tramp), dibs (pertaining to marbles), digger, ding (a minor car accident) and a few others that might offend the slang-sensitive.

"In a world where we all speak American television, or SMS shorthand, or computer jargon, we're losing or have lost a vast and vulgar vocabulary," wrote Adams.

"Our verbal biodiversity is being replaced by the mealy-mouthed and mass-marketed. How long is it since you heard someone describe a face as a moosh? Or legs as Ginger Meggs? Or mammaries as norks? Or an arm as a Warwick Farm? Or an ear as a Germaine Greer or simply a lug? Teeth used to be chompers or clackers. Heads were beans, conks or noggins. Fingers? Onkaparingas. A nose? A Lionel Rose or a schnoz."

Adams thinks Strine is okay and wants to hear more of Emma Chissit (how much is it?), myxo, placky (plastic), mushie, rollies, rellos, dry as a pommy's towel or me stomach thinks me throat's cut.

"We're losing Australia day by day, word by word. (As evidence, spell-check went bonkers with this column.) Don't give up without a fight. Tell'em to go to billy-o," ended Adams.

Funny thing, how Greer popped up in Adams' slang list. Ruehl noted her contribution to the Irwin debate.

"Good ol' Germaine Greer (talk about something you wouldn't want to prod with a stick if she came at you with its mouth open). Ilsa, She-Wolf of the Rainforest, waits until Irwin is dead before she lets the world know what she thinks of him and what a swell, back-to-nature chick she's always been."

And another funny thing. My news editor is known as Norks, but I'd be disinclined to call him a big tit. Hoo-roo.

GREER PROVOKES A REPTILLIAN BITE

Sydney, Sept 8 NZPA - In his appraisal of academic Germaine Greer's attack on the late Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, author John Birmingham didn't hold back.

"For the childless former Celebrity Big Brother contestant, the distress of Irwin's family was nothing when measured against the rightful vengeance of the animal world," wrote Birmingham in a column in The Australian newspaper.

"Less a harridan than a poorly sketched caricature of a harridan, she would be easy to dismiss as some unwashed and wretched bag lady who had somehow stumbled on to the opinion pages of The Guardian, were it not for the fact this feral hag does actually speak for a minority."

Crikey! It's strong stuff, but just a snapshot of the acrimony stirred by Greer in her column in the British newspaper, just a day after Irwin died from a stingray's barb close to his heart.

In her column, she described Irwin as a self-deluded animal tormentor who was an embarrassment to Australia.

"The animal world has finally taken its revenge on Irwin, but probably not before a whole generation of kids in shorts seven sizes too small has learned to shout in the ears of animals with hearing 10 times more acute than theirs, determined to become millionaire animal-loving zoo-owners in their turn," she said.

That triggered outrage in Australia from Prime Minister John Howard down as, Irwin was a much-loved, revered figure, particularly with children.

Queensland Premier Peter Beattie said he wished he could triple the tax on Greer's Queensland rainforest property in retaliation for her comments about Irwin.

"If I could do it I would double it or triple the taxation on it," he said in a sure vote-winner ahead of this weekend's state election.

Birmingham said Irwin's death may become Australia's "Kennedy moment" in that people would remember for decades what they were doing when news broke of his death, in the same way people remember what they were doing when President John Kennedy was assassinated and Princess Diana was killed.

He found it sad that Greer spoke for a minority of Australians in her assault on Irwin's wildlife philosophies.

"In one poisonous discharge of bile, Greer has condensed the ill feelings of a whole class of Australian sophisticates who found Irwin's cartoon imagery uncomfortable and even humiliating, given his global exposure."

Birmingham said that Irwin knew he was doing more for the planet than any number of self-styled green activists or sympathisers.

"Yes he was a showman but when he had your attention by slamming a headlock on some recalcitrant man-eater, he wouldn't let go until you understood just how close to annihilation was so much of the world's wildlife."

In response, Dr Clive Hamilton, executive director of the Australian Institute, said Irwin's death provided a trigger for a gratuitous outpouring of hatred directed at the "elites" who found his antics embarrassing, especially when they were represented as authentically Australian.

"In the present political climate every event is turned by right-wing cultural warriors into an excuse to attack the imagined enemies of John Howard," he said in the Sydney Morning Herald.

Hamilton said it was hard to see how Irwin's animal television shows, in which he provoked the most dangerous animals into extreme behaviour, could cultivate a conservation ethic.

He said there was a difference between an old-fashioned zoo, like the one Irwin owned in Queensland, "where the animals are poked, prodded and laughed at, and a wildlife reserve in which animals blend with their natural environment and humans are kept at a distance.

The attacks on Irwin's "real and imagined critics" were rooted in guilt because people were excited by Irwin's close calls with crocodiles and now that he had met a grisly end, they felt responsible, Hamilton said.

"In this turmoil and grief, what a relief it was to find a real target for bitterness in the form of Germaine Greer, whose only mistake was poor timing."

Poor timing? Atrocious would be more accurate.

There is a valid argument over Irwin's approach to conservation and its effect on animals, but there is a time and place for everything.

Greer's comments were designed to ram home her opinion on the issue at the time of maximum impact -- which happened to be when Irwin's wife Terri and children Bindi and Bob were grieving, trying to come to terms with his death, and a nation too was in grief.

She knew once again she would provoke outrage -- it's become a speciality of hers over the years -- but she is perhaps misguided as to the intense feelings she has generated this time.

Birmingham's "childless" sledge was irrelevant and unnecessary, but Greer was fair game for the rest of it.

JIHAD JACK BARRED FROM CONTACTING BIN LADEN

Sydney, Sept 1 NZPA - The control order imposed on Jihad Jack Thomas was historic for Australia and controversial.

But the government's move to stop Thomas from contacting Osama bin Laden as part of the control order added a touch of the absurd to the proceedings.

Thomas, an Australian, is said to have trained with bin Laden's al Qaeda network, though he has denied doing so knowingly.

It did not take long for the wags to come out and suggest that Thomas should be encouraged to ring bin Laden in the hope the terrorist fugitive would be caught by Australia.

Mike Buky from Mooloolaba in Queensland had another take on it.

"Does the control order against Jihad Jack mean that it is legal for the remaining 20 million Australians to ring up Osama bin Laden and have a chat?" he wrote to The Australian newspaper.

Graham Mowbray, the magistrate who imposed the order on Thomas at a secret hearing last weekend, said it was silly of the government to include bin Laden's name on a list of people Thomas is not allowed to contact.

"It makes it a bit farcical and these are serious proceedings," he said at a hearing this week at which the Australian Federal Police tried to extend the control order.

He said he thought police would have had "more nous" than to name bin Laden, long the subject of an international search.

But government solicitor Tom Howe said Thomas had met bin laden in Afghanistan before the September 11 attacks and he could not accept there was "no possibility" of Thomas trying to contact him again.

It was not just bin Laden's name that attracted derision. The federal police's list of 50 includes some terrorists who are in jail. And some who are dead.

Some of the living are in the United States prison at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, where they have access only to approved visitors.

Howe quipped that where people were incarcerated or dead the order not to contact them would "not involve any difficult burden" on Thomas.

Unsurprisingly, in light of those revelations, police have decided to review the list. A further hearing reviewing the control order will be held later this month.

Thomas, sentenced to five years in prison in February for accepting $US3500 ($NZ5466) and a plane ticket to Australia from an al Qaeda agent in Pakistan, was freed on August 18 when an appeal court ruled that a jury should not have heard some of the evidence that helped convict him.

In a recently televised interview, Thomas said that he met bin Laden on several occasions in Afghanistan and found him "very polite and humble and shy".

The cartoonists have had a field day over the issue. The Australian depicted the United States President on the phone, saying: "Hello Jihad Jack? George Bush here. They tell me you have bin Laden's number.

On the other half of the cartoon is Thomas, replying: "Sorry I can't help you. He's out of mobile range."

The Australian made much of the fact that Thomas married Indonesian-born Maryati Idris on the same day they met. It said Idris was a close friend of the wife of Jemaah Islamiah spiritual leader Abu Baka Bashir, who was convicted for conspiracy in the 2002 Bali bombings but released from prison after two years.

Idris later told the newspaper Ms Idris had gone to school with a woman whom she described as a "senior" or prefect, and that that woman was friends with a woman who became Bashir's second wife.

The Australian featured a cartoon of Idris in a full-length burkha with barely a slit in it for the eyes and Thomas saying to her: "It's love at first sight."

The News Ltd broadsheet has been loud in its support for the control order. Foreign editor Greg Sheridan said Thomas' pattern of behaviour had all the characteristics of a "sleeper" agent.

While Thomas has denied he ever intended to undertake any terrorist activity in Australia, Sheridan said it was important from the police's point of view to look at the pattern of his behaviour.

"He took money from al Qaeda, offered to help them with their work in Australia, went to some lengths to conceal this connection and then planned to travel home.

"On other occasions involving other people, such behaviour has led to their eventually being contacted by al Qaeda and ordered into action."

The Age newspaper in Melbourne, Thomas' home town, took a different tack. It said Australia must be careful not to magnify the impact of terrorism with "fearful, knee-jerk responses that weaken the very foundations that make our democracy strong".

ABBOTT DECRIES JUDGMENTAL MEDIA

Sydney, Aug 25 NZPA - As a debate rages in Australia over stem cell research, Health Minister Tony Abbott has hit out at what he calls the media's double standard on Christianity and politics.

Abbott is at the forefront to opposition to a parliamentary bill aimed at overturning a ban on therapeutic cloning.

Prime Minister John Howard has allowed MPs a conscience vote on the issue.

Abbott pulled no punches this week when he said lifting the ban on therapeutic cloning could lead to "human-animal hybrids".

Abbott, 48, is a Catholic, a Howard loyalist and occasionally touted as a future Liberal leader. A social conservative, he is a forceful debater on several issues, including abortion, which he opposes.

He is also a stern critic of how his religious views are interpreted in the media, as evidenced in remarks made to the Australia and New Zealand School of Government in Melbourne this week about what he called the "left-liberal media mainstream" in Australia.

"A media staple since the 2004 election has been the rise of the so-called religious right.

"This motif testifies to the historical amnesia and cultural impoverishment of most younger journalists, in whose minds views that would have been orthodox a generation ago now seem odd or evidence of religious brainwashing," he said.

"I'm not aware of a single position from any politician to whom this tag is applied advocated on the basis of scripture or an appeal to religious authority.

"Every position has been argued on the basis of human values, not religious teaching. Yet it is now rare for stories about particular politicians on particular topics not to be embellished with gratuitous adjectives such as `devout Catholic'," he said in an extract published in The Australian.

Abbott noted that when some parliamentarians invoked their Christian consciences to oppose the Government's recent immigration bill, there were no calls to keep religion out of politics.

"Media outrage is confined to expressions of the church's moral teaching, not its social gospel in what is, at the very least, a chronically politically correct double standard.

"For what it is worth, I find the `Captain Catholic' tag uncomfortable because I'm no less prone to deadly sins than anyone else. I just take the church and its teaching seriously in a way that was almost universal scarcely a generation back.

"What's at work here is not just journalists' lack of understanding of the Christian culture that underpins our society, including its pluralism and separation of church and state, but their reluctance to extend a fair go to what's unfashionable.

"Australian journalism needs to be more intellectually curious and less implicitly judgmental."

On the stem cell research issue, Abbott said this week that he thought there should be no changes to current legislation which bans therapeutic cloning.

Last year, an independent review of Australia's legislation on human cloning and research involving human embryos indicated its support for therapeutic cloning and the creation and use in research of certain other types of experimental embryos in the very early stage of their development, under strict ethical and scientific regulation.

Therapeutic cloning involves injecting genetic material from a patient's cells into a human egg that has had its nucleus removed.

Embryonic stem cells are harvested from the resulting embryo and grown into lines on human connective tissue. the embryo is destroyed.

Abbott told the ABC's Insiders programme therapeutic cloning was a "slippery slope" to human cloning.

"Creating potential human life not to give life but to give the scientists a bit more of a leg up is fraught with danger," he said.

Labour's health spokeswoman, Julia Gillard, said Abbott was deliberately misleading the public on the issue.

"I think Tony Abbott as health minister has actually got an obligation to keep the debate calm and keep it focused on the facts," she told Network Ten.

"Instead he believes it is his job to run in with the most inflammatory language he can think of.

"No one in federal Parliament is advocating human cloning, that is, the complete reproduction of human beings.

"For Tony Abbott to talk about that as sort of Dolly the sheep cloning, which is the kind of terminology he's used, is calculated in my view to misinform the public."

Many scientists believe therapeutic cloning holds great promise for sufferers of diabetes, Alzheimer's, motor neurone disease and other illnesses.

The bill is likely to be debated in Parliament in October.

LEGAL LION IN TROUBLE OVER SPEEDING TICKET

Sydney, Aug 18 NZPA - It only took a Google search to land former Australian Federal Court judge Marcus Einfeld in a pickle.

The prominent lawyer is renowned as a skilled advocate and has been termed by one newspaper as "the unofficial moral watchdog of human rights" in Australia.

In 1997, he was named by the National Trust of Australia as one of the country's 100 Living National Treasures.

Earlier this month, he successfully appealed a speeding fine in court.

Einfeld, who still uses the term Justice despite working as a lawyer, informed the court that he had not been driving his silver Lexus when it was caught by a speed camera in the affluent northern Sydney suburb of Mosman on January 8.

"I lent it to an old friend of mine who was visiting from Florida," he told the magistrate hearing the case.

He said the friend was Professor Teresa Brennan, but added he could provide no further information because she had died in a car accident after returning to the United States.

Sydney's Daily Telegraph was covering Einfeld's case and a sub editor did a Google search on Professor Teresa Brennan.

It revealed that a Professor Teresa Brennan had indeed died in a car accident, but early in 2003 -- three years before Einfeld's alleged speeding offence.

When challenged, Einfeld told the paper it was another woman, also called Professor Brennan, to whom he had loaned his car. She had also died in a car accident.

This seemed to stretch the realms of credibility and created public amazement. Searches for a second Professor Brennan proved fruitless.

Einfeld then read a public statement on television, with only the vaguest reference to whom he had lent the car.

"I again unequivocally and categorically deny any suggestion of wrongdoing on my part," he said.

"As I said in court, I am uncertain as to who was driving the car at the time, but I did authorise an old acquaintance to use it while I was out of town."

Einfeld said he would have paid the fine if he had been driving, because he would not have lost his licence.

"I would not even think of misleading a court. The suggestion that I have done so is immensely hurtful because it contradicts everything that I've always stood for."

His lawyers said that within days they would reveal who was driving, after contacting a person in the United States. But to date this hasn't eventuated.

For a few days, it appeared that police would not interview Einfeld over the apparent discrepancy in his court statement, but New South Wales Police Minister Carl Scully then announced there would be an investigation by the State Crime Command.

NSW Police said today that fraud squad detectives would interview him next week.

Amid the furore, a friend of the late Teresa Brennan said she thought Einfeld's use of the professor's name was "reprehensible"

Florida Atlantic University associate professor Lynn Appleton told The Weekend Australian: "Teresa abhorred hypocrisy and as a social and moral philosopher herself she would have been both outraged and saddened by this kind of action from someone of his stature.

"And, if this Einfeld is someone that Teresa knew or had worked with, it's a more personal betrayal. To use your own knowledge of a tragic death and a family's loss to try to cover your own petty misdeeds -- that is just reprehensible."

The Australian-born Teresa Brennan, philosopher and ethicist, was killed after a hit and run incident in Broward County, Florida, on December 10, 2002. She was crossing the road at the time. Her life support was eventually turned off in early February 2003.

The driver of the vehicle that killed her has not been found and her death is listed as an unsolved crime.

Another friend of Brennan's, Harvard University professor Alice Jardine, said there were suggestions at the time of her death that she had been murdered.

"Teresa had people threatening her at the time she died," Jardine told the newspaper.

Einfeld, 67, had 15 years as a Federal Court judge and was noted for his liberal rulings.

Since he retired from that court, he has been prominent for his work internationally. In 1988 he was made an Officer of the Order of Australia for services to international affairs and in 2002 he was named the United Nations peace laureate.

He is currently chairing an inquiry into the April riots in the Solomon Islands.

But his distinguished career is a crossroads -- all over a $A77 ($NZ93) speeding fine and three traffic demerit points.

THORPEDO'S PAUNCH HITS THE NEWS

Sydney, Aug 11 NZPA - It's a national disaster for Australians. Their Superfish, the great Ian Thorpe, is getting fat. That is, at least, what the Sydney Morning Herald has told them. Their five-times Olympic swimming champion is munching on pizza and hamburgers and slurping cola in Los Angeles, the Herald reported as its lead story last Friday.

Under a headline of "The good life catches up with Thorpedo", the Herald showed a huge photo of the Thorpedo sipping on a suspected cola, while his black singlet covers a paunch.

Maybe, that was a diet iced tea he was sipping -- who knows? -- but whether the spare tyre around the belly deserved such treatment from a quality broadsheet certainly became a major talking point.

The report, which relegated downpage news that the Australian defence contribution to a stabilisation force in Lebanon could be thin because its forces were so stretched, said the influences of Hollywood Hills where Thorpe, 23, has moved were less than disciplined.

Thorpe went to Los Angeles last month for three-month refresher.

The report, under the byline of three journalists, quoted an unnamed swimmer at the University of Southern California saying he had seen Thorpe just three times at the pool. "Another swimmer said Thorpe had been at the pool the day before. When asked how he found him, the young man replied wryly, "big, fat and hairy'," the Herald reported.

"He quickly added, "No, he carries a lot of weight on him on purpose as part of his swim strategy'. In the past fortnight, the Herald has seen Thorpe train at the pool once, in the afternoon, in a relaxed sociable way."

The journalists asked whether this was the end of Thorpe's magnificent career.

Mum didn't think so. Margaret Thorpe told the ABC her son was in full training and preparing for next year's world championships in Melbourne and 2008 Beijing Olympics.

"I'm a little amazed by what's being said," she said.

"(Ian) has told me he is training and he is very happy over there and that's what I'm going to believe."

Also leaping to Thorpe's defence were the News Ltd newspapers, rivals of the Herald's publisher, Fairfax.

The Australian newspaper reported that the Herald's sister paper, the Sun-Herald, had used an almost identical photo to the paunchy one accompanying a report saying that Thorpe's physique was still impressive -- "perhaps more so than ever".

The Australian quoted Thorpe's American coach Dave Salo warning that constant media scrutiny could push Thorpe into an early retirement.

"I don't know why there is this obsession with his training. His championships are not for four months. It's August and they don't pick the team until December.

"The Australian people need to back off and let the guy what he wants to do or they will drive him out of the sport."

The Australian's stablemate, the tabloid Daily Telegraph, carried a photo of "a trim, muscular Thorpe" walking near his Hollywood home the week before.

"This is the photograph that shames the critics of one of Australia's greatest Olympians," chirruped the Telly.

Some of the Herald's readers were surprised at their choice of a front page lead story.

"Fair dinkum, I pay $A338 ($NZ414) for my annual Herald subscription, and I expect real news on page one, not celebrity gossip," wrote Andrew Burke.

"Thought I'd picked up the wrong paper this morning. Are the affairs of the nation so dull and unimportant compared with those of the celebrities?" asked Peter Davidson.

"What horror confronted me as I sat down to breakfast this morning with my favourite newspaper," wrote Diane Dennis. "Was it Howard's indifference to Lebanon's plight? Another humanitarian disaster?

"The tears flowed freely into my muesli as I read the heart-rending account of Thorpie's weight dilemma. Surely no other story could compete with this gem for gravitas."

Radio stations took plenty of calls, many of them sympathetic to Thorpe, saying he should be allowed to turn to sloth in peace, though others insisted he "owed it to us" to keep trim and create more swimming records for his country.

But there was plenty of talk too about the Herald, which backtracked a little in its next edition, running Mrs Thorpe's comments and those a friend pointing out that Thorpedo was on a low carbohydrate diet and ate hamburgers without the buns.

"He doesn't drink Coke, ever" said the unnamed friend. "He doesn't like it. It would have been Diet and he would have just eaten the meat from the burger."

That's a relief.

DON'T BLAME THE BANANAS

Sydney, Aug 4 NZPA - For a while bananas were getting the blame.

Bananas and oil prices. Australian government statistics released last week revealed annual inflation had climbed a percentage point to 4 percent in the three months ended June due largely to the high cost of oil and a 250 percent jump in the price of bananas.

That jump was because Cyclone Larry flattened the Queensland banana crop in March.

Bananas are on the Australian Bureau of Statistics' basket of goods, the notional typical week's shopping by which it measures inflation.

Western Australian banana grower Kevin Leahy seethed.

"It's absolute bulls..t," he told the West Australian newspaper. "What about grapes or strawberries or peaches? The prices of those jump all over the place."

Bananas didn't deserve the blame, because unlike fuel they were not indispensable, said Mr Leahy, who grows his crop at Carnarvon, 900km north of Perth.

"You don't have the opportunity to say, `Well, fuel's too high, I'm not going buy it,' but people have been doing that with bananas. They've swapped to other fruit."

Carnarvon is reaping the benefit of Queensland's loss, with a standard 13 kilogram box that fetched $A15-$A20 ($NZ18.66-$NZ24.88) wholesale before Larry struck now selling for $A150, though the good times won't last, according to Mr Leahy.

On the back of the inflation spike, the Reserve Bank lifted interest rates by 0.25 percent to 6 percent, though bananas were this time cleared of blame, saying it recognised it was "necessary to abstract from temporary influences in forming its policy assessments".

Or in the words of Prime Minister John Howard to the ABC: "Look, on bananas, I think we all accept that bananas are in one quarter and out the next. Bananas were a cause of the inflation rise last week, but the bank, quite rightly, looked through that and said, `Well, that's a one-off factor and it will disappear in the next quarter'."

Mr Howard, who announced earlier this week he would lead the Liberals into next year's general election, seeking his fifth term as prime minister, argued that petrol prices were "the biggest problem Australians have with the economy".

"It worries me more than anything else," he told reporters. He also took the novel approach of asking anyone who had a "magical solution" to petrol prices to get in touch with him.

"Will you ring The Lodge and I'll spend an hour, all ears, listening to them."

Most commentators saw his remarks on petrol prices as a smokescreen to avoid a public backlash over his promise before the 2004 election "to keep interest rates low".

But he did admit there would be pain over mortgage rate rises.

"I don't like it, I'm sorry about it. Nobody likes interest rates going up but I don't believe that the Reserve Bank had any responsible alternative other than to take that decision."

However, he was quick to clear himself of any blame for the rise.

"I don't owe the Australian public anything more than what I've committed to the Australian people -- and that is to manage the economy well."

But there have been seven successive rate rises in four years, including three in the past 18 months, and many economists are saying another increase this year is likely.

The pain is most acute in Sydney where the level of loan debts is higher than the rest of the country.

The Housing Industry Association says the 0.25 percent rise will add $A62.52 a month to the repayments on a $A400,000 mortgage.

Mr Howard's opponents have jumped at the opportunity to attack him over his stewardship on the economy.

Labour leader Kim Beazley accused him of a "massive breach of trust", while the shadow treasurer, Wayne Swan, said Mr Howard's "fingerprints are all over this interest rate rise" because he had failed to deal with the factors that drove inflation.

"If interest rates were going down today, John Howard would be out there claiming credit," Mr Swan told reporters.

It all paves the way for a tight election next year.

Back in Western Australia, Kevin Leahy, who heads Carnarvon's Sweeter Banana Co-operative, has other worries, as he knows his current banana boom is a temporary one.

He believes Queensland bananas will be back in shops by October, and by March prices could plummet below $A15 a box, the point about which Carnarvon growers break even.

"The growers think I'm joking but I've told them all to take a holiday in February and March and just drop their fruit on the ground because you're not going to be able to sell it."

LAMINGTON LOVERS LAMENT

Sydney, July 28 NZPA - Australians are outraged -- their much-loved culinary delight, the lamington, is under siege.

Not only the lamington, but also the great national ritual-- the school gala sausage sizzle.

The Federation of Parents and Citizens' Associations of New South Wales, appropriately abbreviated to P&Cs, wants to extend its strict nutrition policy at its tuck shops -- sorry canteens -- to all school events, including fund-raisers, excursions and sports days.

It is soon to vote on the proposal which could see an end to the lamington drive as well as the sausage sizzle -- both worth their weight in calories and funds for cash-strapped schools.

"We want to continue the model what is taught in the classroom and what is complied with in the healthy school canteen strategy," acting federation president Dianne Giblin told the Sydney Morning Herald.

"The lamington would probably go unless you use low-fat chocolate."

Also on the target list are chocolate drives, chips and lollies at school discos and sausage sizzles at fetes.

Mrs Giblin acknowledged P&Cs relied heavily on fund-raising events, but suggested alternatives such as sportathons and mother's and father's day stalls -- minus the usual jars of chocolates.

There is no doubt that childhood obesity is a major problem in Australia, with parents taking a passive stance as the new generation super-sizes up.

So the move to drive highly sugared and fatty food out of the school canteens is laudable.

But zealotry can go too far and the counterattack to save the lamington drive and the sausage sizzle is gathering momentum.

Nutritionists are lining up on either side of the coconut-coated lamo -- as only Australians could call it.

Professor Ian Caterson, from the University of Sydney, told the Herald: "Yes, it does sound nanny state, but it's a sound educational principle. If you're going to give messages to kids... you have to do it across the board."

But his colleague Dr Jennifer O'Dea said the move was "a bit over the top". It was "ultimately up to parents to stop the kids eating too many chocolate frogs".

A nutritionist told Radio 720 in Sydney that a lamington was more innocuous health-wise than, say, a Mars bar.

And with butchers lessening the fat content, grilled sausages would not threaten too much harm at the school gala, she said.

Grilled? Now there's a puzzler for the dads in charge of the sizzle.

In the correspondence columns of the Herald, the lamo lovers got stuck in.

"Oh great, our version of the Taliban has moved us a step closer to taking the fun out of everything," wrote Andrew Millett.

"Lamingtons and sausages to be replaced by what? Tofu snags and lentil cake? You are taking this too far."

And Adam Johnston chimed in: "Health nazis are trying to drive a wedge of politically correct sponge cake between people and the lamington drive. May they be desiccated by popular opinion as they must be utter coconuts."

The P&Cs have to consider how much money would drain away from the coffers at sportathons and chocolate-less father's and mother's days. As Helen Robilliard wrote: "Would a `celery and carrot stick' drive have the same appeal?"

There is also the popularity of the lamington to consider.

When Sue Dracey from the Berne Education in Lewisham. a school for youths at risk, ordered 140 dozen lamingtons for a fund-raiser, she was aghast when 2000 dozen arrived and wondered how she would sell them all.

She put in a call to Radio 720 on the morning of the lamington drive, asking for people to head down and buy the fluffy soft sponges for $10 a dozen.

By early afternoon, all 24,000 were sold. That's a lot of lamingtons.

The beloved lamington is 105-years-old. While there have been claims it originated in New Zealand, culinary experts there have conceded the sponge to Australia -- adamant at the same time that the pavlova hails from Aotearoa.

Queensland historian Paul Tully said it was the result of an accident in the kitchen of Queensland Governor Lord Lamington in 1901.

A nervous maidservant dropped the governor's favourite sponge cake into some chocolate.

"Lord Lamington was not a person of wasteful habits and suggested that it be dipped in coconut so as to cover the chocolate to avoid messy fingers," said Mr Tully at the time of the lamo centenary.

"The maidservant's error was proclaimed a magnificent success by all, and so the humble lamington was born."

FROM HEADBUTT TO SNUB TO HAKA, SPIN RULES

Sydney, July 14 NZPA - A feature of sport's appeal has always been its glorious uncertainty.

Zinedine Zidane's World Cup headbutt certainly bore that out, while Australian rugby league star Andrew Johns' presentation snub a day earlier was unexpected too.

The incidents also drove home just how much public relations has infiltrated sport these days.

If Zidane's attack on Italy defender Marco Materazzi, which would have had Pamplona's bulls nodding in approval, was provoked by a slur on his mother, it might go some way to explaining it.

But given that insults are common place on the soccer field, it doesn't justify his actions and had no benefit to his team, with his sending-off meaning he was absent for the crucial penalty shootout which Italy won.

And the spin? Who better than to provide it than a politician.

Despite the controversy, French President Jacques Chirac only had praise for Zidane as he welcomed back the team at his Elysee Palace.

"Dear Zinedine Zidane, what I want to express to you at this perhaps most intense and difficult time in your career, is the admiration and the affection of the whole nation -- it's respect too," Chirac said.

"You are a virtuoso, a genius of world football. You are also a man of the heart, of commitment, of conviction, and that's why France admires and loves you."

He just left out the bit about Dear Zinedine Zidane being a brilliant head-to-chest butter and losing them the World Cup.

It's tough being a role model.

Ask Andrew Johns.

Johns, an idol in Australia well before Australian Idol started, broke the country's rugby league's point scoring record on Saturday in his Newcastle club's match against Parramatta.

The previous record holder and current Parramatta coach, Jason Taylor, lined up to present him with the match ball as a memento after the final whistle.

But Newcastle got thumped and Johns trudged off to the changing room, leaving Taylor and an official holding the ball bewildered.

It seems that he later apologised, but the incident came across as most unsporting. Apologist media were quick to point out that Johns is held in high regard for his sportsmanship, while the spin came from his manager, John Fordham.

"If that's the best his critics can come up with, the day after he broke such a significant record, it's fairly pathetic," Fordham told the Sydney Morning Herald.

"You have to take into consideration the fact Newcastle were absolutely disgraceful and he's the captain. Andrew has never been one to stand up and look for applause for something he's achieved at a personal level, and he had an absolutely good reason to be in the dressing rooms with his players.

"Andrew has never put personal achievement ahead of team achievements, and the big picture for him last night was the team performance.

"That cut very deeply into him so under those circumstances, if he elected to put the team's needs ahead of any personal accolades for himself, then he's to be applauded for it."

As spin goes, that takes some beating. Those poor little Newcastle boys and their needs. Fordham's spin-doctoring skills would be a big hit in the Canberra parliament.

The incident blew over far quicker than the usual league controversy. One can imagine the hullabaloo if the New Zealand Warriors walked off Telstra Stadium after losing an NRL final, because their needs were more important than attending the after-match presentation.

The spin was evident too in the explanation given about the All Blacks' new haka, Kapa O Pango.

The outcry over the final gesture at the end of the haka showed the public needed to be educated about the meaning of the gesture, said New Zealand Rugby Union chief executive Chris Moller.

While it seems to rugby fans around the world that the All Blacks are trying to scare the rugby shorts off their opponents with a throat-slitting gesture, Moller says the gesture's meaning within Maori culture and the tradition of haka is different.

And he quotes the new haka's composer Derek Lardelli as saying the words and motions represent drawing vital energy into the heart and lungs, with the final exclamation `Ha!' translating as breath of life.

The trouble is the rest of the world is going to see it as Carl Hayman and Rico Gear threatening to draw vital energy out of their rivals' hearts and lungs and no amount of rugby spin is going to change that.

Ha! indeed. Though the biggest Ha! for the week has to go to the chest-butted Materazzi for the following quote.

"It is absolutely not true, I did not call him a terrorist. I'm ignorant. I don't even know what the word means."

OH BROTHER, BIG BROTHER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Sydney, July 7 NZPA - Australian Prime Minister John Howard says Big Brother is stupid and should be canned. Many agree, but others say he should back off.

The Channel Ten programme has polarised a nation over a sexual incident that was not screened on television, but was seen over the internet just after 4am last Saturday and subsequently went "viral" on the internet with inboxes bombarded with links to the internet file.

The vulgar term, turkey slap, rocketed into recognition as the result of housemates Michael Cox and Michael Bric holding down fellow contestant Camilla Halliwell and one of them rubbing his crotch in her face.

Halliwell, taken by surprise, described them as mean at the time. The next day when interviewed on screen, she said they "were just mucking around".

Producers axed Cox and Bric.

"I think it is just a question of good taste," said Howard.

"The business community is always saying to me `let us self-regulate'.

"Well, here's a great opportunity for Channel Ten to do a bit of self-regulation and get this stupid programme off the air."

Dominic Knight, a writer for the Sydney Morning Herald, had the alternative view.

He said the incident demonstrated the show's value.

"The original aim of Big Brother was to put ordinary Australians under the microscope, and what we've learned in the past week has been fascinating," he wrote.

"We've learned that a mild form of sexual assault is some blokes' idea of a harmless prank.

"Sexual harassment is still commonplace in our society; rugby league's problems with it have been well documented.

"But you can't sweep something under the carpet when it's appeared on a live internet feed."

He said Big Brother had "reflexively turned the microscope on to the whole of our society".

Big Brother could be crude and tedious, but as a social phenomenon, it had always been fascinating, wrote Knight.

"The politicians in Canberra are supposed to be our representatives, but, as distressing as it may be, the people inside the Big Brother house are far more representative of ordinary Australians."

That's an arguable point, but nobody can deny there are plenty of dimwits in both houses.

One newspaper letter writer, Peter Fyfe, said that in Australia's other reality show, the elected housemates continued to denigrate Aborigines, women, homosexuals, human rights, working folk and Iraqis, on prime time television, on every network, every night.

"On Big Brother, bad behaviour means you get voted out or kicked out, whereas on Why Bother (aka Parliament) it means you get re-elected and perhaps even a seat in the cabinet. Who sets the better example?"

There were some gems among the letters to the editor.

Genevieve Frederiksen wrote to the Herald: "It seems everyone has an opinion on the latest Big Brother antics, but no one has stated the bleeding obvious anyone who watches the Big Brother on the internet at 4am is a turkey in need of a slap."

And Marjorie Biggins in the same paper: "A 21st Century version of hell: trapped for infinity on a cruise ship with the cast of Big Brother."

The Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) found that because Channel Ten did not broadcast the footage of the incident on TV, there had been no breach of television codes.

The Government's reaction was to say it would review television regulations, with streaming video over the internet and on mobile phones also coming under scrutiny.

Family First senator Steve Fielding said the assessment by the communications authority was to "give the green light to sex, smut and sleaze".

But The Australian newspaper said regulations were not the answer to the idiocies of reality TV.

It said the incident was foul. "But the proper reaction to such things is to censure, not censor.

"Just because the ACMA and Queensland Police determined that no laws or rules were broken does not mean that new regulations are needed to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future."

The antics of Big Brother housemates were "never going to be confused for a Mensa meeting", said the newspaper.

"In a fragmented media market, Ten has made a conscious decision to grab the youth audience, which has different sensibilities than many of those currently proposing regulations for reality TV."

The newspaper said that while Mr Howard was right that the current controversy was a great opportunity for Ten to self-regulate and drop Big Brother, "until the show violates any laws, that choice should be left to Ten".

PRIDE, SORROW AND BITTER EDGE IN OZ'S WORLD CUP

Sydney, June 30 NZPA - Life is getting back to normal, but there remains an underlying bitterness in Australia about the way they were eliminated from the soccer World Cup.

It is not the only emotion as there is genuine pride in the performance of the Socceroos in reaching the top 16 -- and rightly so.

There was an irresistible euphoria along the way as the underdogs motivated by super coach Guus Hiddink advanced beyond most expectations.

It seems too there was a genuine neighbourly feeling from New Zealanders too that enjoyed Australia doing well, with perhaps a reserved edge to it given the Aussies tendency to remind their Kiwi cousins about their successes.

But to be dudded out of the tournament was hard to take. Italian player Fabio Grosso's dive over a Lucas Neill tackle resulting in a penalty goal hit a raw nerve.

Certainly actor Anthony LaPaglia, Hollywood star and Aussie soccer fanatic, has not got over it, even though he has an Italian heritage and has naturally barracked for them in previous World Cups.

"At first, I was incredibly outraged, then I descended into gutted," he told the Sydney Morning Herald.

"I'm still gutted. I haven't recovered -- to be honest, I don't think I ever will. I've looked at it about 40 times now. It just never was a penalty.

"Even if it was marginal, any decent referee at that point of the game would have played the benefit of the doubt."

LaPaglia, best known for playing FBI agent Jack Malone in Without A Trace, said he hoped "karma" would come back to haunt the Italians in their quarterfinal against Ukraine.

"Of course, you have revenge fantasies. I just hope the same things happens against the Ukraine, with they are scoreless at 90 minutes and they get a penalty awarded against them. That would be nice..."

There's been an almost universal feeling that the Australians were desperately unlucky over the penalty decision.

Even the mighty Pele said he was sorry to see the Socceroos fall the way they did.

"The least you could say was that Australia deserved the chance of playing extra time," he said in his column in The Australian.

"I even thought the Australians deserved to win, but the Italians had more experience and played that old defensive game."

His comments tempered some of the excesses about how the penalty decision was because of bias by officials against Australia because it is not a soccer world power.

Even some letter writers to the newspapers pointed out the same referee, Spaniard Luis Medina Cantalejo, erred in sending off Italy's Marco Materazzi earlier, giving the Socceroos a marked edge for 40 minutes of the match, of which they failed to take advantage.

And Kevan Silver wrote to the Daily Telegraph reminding readers of an obvious foul committed in Australia's game against Japan which might have had an impact on the result had the referee acted.

"With all the complaints about the refereeing at the World Cup, how soon people forget the blatant penalty that should have been awarded against Tim Cahill in the Japan match. Had that been given, we would not have even been playing Italy.

"As to the penalty itself, can anyone, hand on heart, say that had the roles been reversed, we would not have been screaming for an Australian penalty? And had it not been given, we wouldn't have been complaining about the referee?"

Amid a hullabaloo about the refereeing generally at the World Cup and the plethora of dives and players milking penalties through faked injuries, some thought soccer, or football as its aficionados insist on referring to it, was being unfairly tarred.

"I would just like to point out an obvious analogy," wrote Andrew Hick to The Australian. "I have watched Shane Warne and his teammates appeal hundreds of times for wickets they know are not out, with the intention of cheating the opposition. Surely this is the same thing as Fabio Grosso's successful attempt to fool the referee.

"To imagine that football has primacy in gamesmanship and cheating shows a lack of understanding in sport. Sometimes things don't go your way and if you're a sportsman or woman you accept it and get on with it."

How true. And that is why polite Kiwis are not mentioning cricket's underarm incident at the moment.

Speaking of the dive, Aussies have seen the irony in the group, Il Divo, performing at the World Cup opening ceremony.

And as the Australian flags starts to disappear from the side windows of cars honking through suburban streets, a nursery in Sydney's Campbelltown still has the sign up: "Our Italian lavenders keep falling over".

YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS

Sydney, May 5 NZPA - The newspaper that ran a feature on cooking with bananas this week must have been joking.

Bananas have been in short supply in Australia since Cyclone Larry devastated crops in Queensland in March.

The Australian Government doesn't allow imports, so bananas are not cheap these days.

If you can find them in Sydney supermarkets, they are selling for between $10 and $15 a kilo.

So why the Australian Financial Review thought it was a good idea to have a full-page spread on cooking with bananas in its weekend edition is anyone's guess.

Maybe, an ill-wind has blown in off the fake Pacific tsunami and caused life to go a tad wonky this side of the Tasman. News outlets have run bizarre stories by the baker's dozen.

Food prices are very much on the public's minds, particularly after an interest rate rise that will affect mortgages as families struggle to cope with high fuel -- and banana -- prices.

A survey in Melbourne found the locals benefited from cheap breakfast cereal, tomatoes, cuts of meat and light beer, but had to pay more than other cities for milk and bread, prompting the Herald Sun newspaper to write: Melbourne's a great place for lactose intolerant, light-beer-drinking carnivores who like their sausages without bread.

The major news of the week was the rescue attempt of two miners trapped in a cage at the Beaconsfield mine in Tasmania.

The gloom after one of their colleagues was found dead was replaced with joy when it was learned Brant Webb and Todd Russell were still alive.

As rescue teams painstakingly drilled their way through rock in the hope of reaching them a kilometre underground, on the edge of the mine news anchors for the main television channels preened themselves with makeup before bringing their viewers up to date with the latest news.

There were reports that the channels and magazines were pestering relatives of the miners with big money offers for exclusive interviews.

The Australian newspaper reported a combined magazine, television, book and movie deal could fetch the miners and their families up to $A2 million. But hey let's get them out first.

It was also the week when Private Jake Kovco was finally laid to rest after his death in mysterious circumstances while serving in Iraq.

The federal government was left embarrassed after the contractor it hired to return his body to Australia sent back instead the body of a Bosnia soldier.

If things weren't bad enough for his family, a Channel Nine reporter sent to cover his funeral in Melbourne slipped up by talking about the "wedding" that was about to occur. The flukey wind was affecting Melbourne. A Melbourne man was jailed for six months for belting the grandmother of the groom at a real wedding that spiralled out of control, while Victorian police were hunting for a Bonnie and Clyde couple who were robbing jewellery stores.

Clyde was terrorising store owners with a sawn-off shotgun before escaping with a blonde Bonnie as his getaway driver.

Sporting types struggled with the wafting breeze.

In the Australian Rules match between the Fremantle Dockers and St Kilda, the umpires didn't hear the final siren sound and allowed play to continue, with St Kilda kicking a late goal to draw the game amid scenes of uproar.

The Australian Football League bravely decided that the spirit of the game was more important than the rules and awarded the match to Fremantle. That actually pleased more than it disappointed.

The lead-up to the Australia-New Zealand league test became farcical after some of the Kiwis spoke of retribution on the paddock for Karmichael Hunt, a Cook Islander raised in New Zealand who has decided to play for the Australians.

This "targeting" nonsense upset the sensitive Aussie players and their adoring media. On the back page of the Daily Telegraph blared a headline of "They're a bunch of hypocrites" with mugshots of five members of the Kiwis side who happened to be born in Australia.

Television channels ran breathtaking stories about how Johnathon Thurston, selected in the Australian squad, had knocked back the Kiwis invitation to join their ranks. Hardly news though. He did that two years ago.

In rugby union, former Australian coach Eddie Jones, who will be in charge of the Queensland Super 14 side next season, had to explain his "idiots" remark to his new employers.

Jones told a Sydney radio station that "only idiots repeat failure and that's what's been happening here" but later clarified that he wasn't calling Queensland rugby heads idiots.

"Only idiots repeat failure and I'd be one if I didn't change a whole lot of things in Queensland rugby and that means looking at new players, new attitudes," he told his new bosses. Out in country Victoria, the wind started to swirl around the Warrnambool racecourse.

On Thursday, a barrier malfunction caused a false start to race nine. As some of the horses sprung out of the gates, a barrier attendant was knocked to the ground. He wasn't badly injured but what happened next was really strange.

The red-jacketed clerk of the course was about 50 metres ahead of the gates and about to head back to assist one of the jockeys when the gates sprung open again. She speared her horse across the field, just clearing them in the nick of time. After the race a patron, who looked to have overindulged in food and drink, strutted his stuff on the course, dressed only in black boxer shorts. He showed a keen appreciation of non-rhythmic gymnastics before police decided enough was enough.

You had to go to the Northern Territory to find some normality to life.

In Darwin, publican Bruce Cavenagh was responsible for almost 300 pesky live cane toads being handed in to the RSPCA with his "beer 4 toads" campaign in tandem with a national brewery. Anyone who took a live cane toad, which are considered a noxious pest in the territory, to the SPCA was eligible for up to six free middies of Cooper's beer. Now that's common sense.

AUSSIES SMART OVER CARD

Sydney, April 28 NZPA - Name, age and serial number please. Australia is about to adopt an identity card -- of sorts.

Details of the card will emerge in next month's budget, but Prime Minister John Howard said this week it would not be a national ID card.

The government had considered one such card in the wake of the London bombings last year, but decided "it was not predisposed to adopt a national ID card".

But it sounds like the Claytons card -- the ID card you have when you're not having an ID card, for Mr Howard admitted in almost the same breath that if people wanted access to government health and welfare programmes from 2010 they would need one.

"It will not be compulsory to have the card, but by the same token it will not be possible to access many services unless one is in possession of the card," Mr Howard told a news conference.

Treasurer Peter Costello tripped up this week, calling it an ID card, only to quickly correct himself. The "smart card" will contain name, photo, signature and card number. On a microchip will be embedded a digital photo, address, date of birth and details of children or other dependants.

The card will replace 17 current cards for health benefits, family tax, childcare and unemployment payments, education benefits, pharmaceutical and transport concessions and pensions.

The government estimates it will cost $A1 billion ($NZ1.20 billion) over four years to adopt, but thinks it will save $A3 billion over a decade.

Authorities will be able to use the card to check for immigration and security breaches and welfare fraud.

Information on the card will be subject to strict protection and only be accessible by authorised people, Mr Howard said.

It was revealed this week that intelligence agencies would have access to the large database of biometric photos on the cards, while state police would have restricted access for general crime investigations.

The card was subject to a number of cabinet debates before a final decision was made, Mr Howard said.

He claimed the decision showed a balance struck between ease of access to government payments and enhanced security measures on the one hand and legitimate concerns about storing personal information on the other.

Civil libertarians and privacy agencies did not see it that way.

The vice-chairman of the Australian Privacy Foundation, David Vaile, was not convinced the card was not an ID card.

"It looks like an ID card, it smells like an ID card," he told the ABC.

"If you find that there's state government uses added to it, that all of those 17 cards and whatever else gets bunged onto it later are required in the federal sphere, you may very well find it difficult to go out without it.

"It's very hard to see what the limitations would be on it."

There has been cynicism among the letters to the editor columns.

"It is coercion by stealth," wrote Ken Dobson to the Sydney Morning Herald.

Others said it smacked of Big Brother, while there was concern that welfare recipients were being used as guinea pigs for a national ID card.

"If the government is sincerely interested in saving money, it could do worse than dish out smart cards to the affluent," wrote David Pritchard to The Australian.

"The Australian Tax Office would surely welcome the move, although my fellows and I at lower levels of the social heap cannot expect an ultra-right-wing government to do anything so egalitarian."

But the overall reaction has not been on the scale when Bob Hawke pushed for a national ID card in 1987 when he was leading the country, perhaps signalling acceptance that so much personal information is already accessible these days.

When the Senate twice rejected legislation for his proposal, Mr Hawke used that to trigger a double dissolution, of the House of Parliament and the Senate.

Mr Hawke defeated Mr Howard in the ensuing election, but his card proposal met such opposition that he eventually dropped it.

Mr Howard was one of the card's most vocal opponents.

New Zealand has so far resisted having an identity card, while in Britain a proposal is still being debated after the House of Lords overturned a government plan in March for anyone applying for or renewing a passport to also pay for an identity card.

The Australian smart card will be phased in over two years, starting in 2008.

THE TALKING $3M COLT ONE TO WATCH

Sydney, April 21 NZPA - The precocious colt may have had an inkling of future expectations when the auctioneer's gavel thumped down at the three million dollar mark.

He pooped in the sale ring.

It's odds-on the poor bloodstock employee who scooped up the dung silently cursed, wishing that it was him who was buying -- or even better, selling -- rather than shovelling.

Instead, it was South African Charles Laird who put in the winning bid at this week's Easter yearling sales in Sydney, on behalf of reclusive billionaire and Freedom Furniture boss Marcus Jooste.

The $A3m ($NZ3.56m) was an Australasian record and the feature of a phenomenal three-day sale, in which 403 horses were sold for an average of just under $A290,000.

Fourteen sold for $A1m or more, five of them reaching the $A2m mark.

To some, buying an unraced horse in the hope that he will be a champion on the race track and then in the stallion barn is madness.

It's not the ultimate gamble. That has to be Russian roulette. But many consider this bloodstock buying lurk a close second.

For every Redoute's Choice, Australasia's hottest sire and daddy of the A3m colt, there are thousands of horses who don't live up to their sale price.

But there's a romance about the business. It's fuelled by dreams -- and most of the thousands attending the Inglis sale dreamed of owning Redoute's Choice or buying one of his offspring.

Unfortunately for them, they didn't come cheaply.

While business tycoons took on sports stars and the major studs battled out the bidding for the best horseflesh on offer, others more worried about petrol prices took a back-seat and watched in awe under the Morton Bay fig tree outside the sale ring.

"No way," said David Haworth, horse trainer from Foxton, when asked if he was buying at the sale. Haworth has a dour Kiwi stayer, Three Chimneys, in tomorrow's Sydney Cup.

Three Chimneys is worth a few million less than Redoute's Choice, but he has a chance of taking home a major part of the $A800,000 prizemoney in the Sydney Cup and that is part of the appeal of the racing game.

A horse from the styx in New Zealand can still line up at Royal Randwick and show where the best stayers come from. It just doesn't happen very often these days.

So what was was so appealing about the three million dollar boy?

"He's like an attractive woman on the street -- he talks to you," successful buyer Laird told reporters, many of whom in the male category were trying to remember the last time an attractive woman in the street talked to them.

Redoute's Choice was a potential champion on the track. He won five races, including the group one Blue Diamond Stakes, before sent to the stud barn.

There he performed even better. He was rookie sire of the year in Australia in 2003-2004, but that was just the first course.

In the past two seasons he has sired the winners of the Golden Slipper Stakes, the world's richest two-year-old race, run at Sydney's Rosehill course. His offspring have won more than $A14.6m

His service fee is $A220,000 -- so he's probably the highest paid gigolo in the southern hemisphere -- and his owners are considering raising it to $A300,000.

Little wonder then that he was the buzz of the sale, which attracted strong international interest particularly from Dubai, England, South Africa and New Zealand.

Sheikh Mohammed bin Khalifa bought a Redoute's Choice colt for $2.3m, while Sir Patrick Hogan, from Cambridge Stud, paid $A1.2m for another colt by the same sire.

In all, 35 of Redoute's Choice's progeny went through the ring, fetching an aggregate $A24.88m, at an average of $A710,817.

While those prices were mostly out of the reach of New Zealand buyers, a couple of the colts are heading across the ditch.

Hogan bought his colt on behalf of the syndicate that owns his champion sire, Zabeel.

He said it was time to introduce new blood to his broodmare paddock and Redoute's Choice was the obvious choice.

He has amazing success with Sir Tristram and Zabeel as stallions and is hoping that his new colt will perform on the racetrack and then at stud.

"Maybe lightning will strike three times," he told NZPA.

It wasn't all Redoute's Choice. Colts or fillies by eight other sires, including Zabeel, hit the $A1m mark.

There were some happy sellers.

Yarraman Stud, in New South Wales, sold the top three lots, fetching $7.9m for them.

"This might be just the happiest 24 hours of my life," the stud's Arthur Mitchell told reporters.

STERILE, SOULLESS? NOT CANBERRA

Sydney, April 13 NZPA - Australia's national capital has an unfortunate reputation for being dull.

It goes back a long time. Percy Deane, secretary to the prime minister's department in 1928, said: "The best view of Canberra is from the back of a departing train."

The sniping has never stopped. In his 2000 book, Down Under, Bill Bryson detailed watching through the capital's promotional tourist video, Canberra - It's Got It All!, and renamed it "Canberra - Why Wait for Death?"

Canberrans think differently, of course. They find the home of Parliament, the National Gallery and National Museum, a charming place, free from the complications of big city life.

They are also fiercely protective, if their reaction to a blast from New South Wales Premier Maurice Iemma is any indication.

Iemma stepped up to the rostrum after the Australian Capital Territory Government launched a "Live in Canberra" campaign, trying to persuade Sydneysiders to shift and help rectify its skills shortage.

The campaign targeted outlying Sydney suburbs suffering high unemployment and promoted Canberra's lifestyle "free of long commuting times and air pollution."

While it pointed out some of the drawbacks of living in Sydney, it was not denigrating, but Iemma was when he responded with a column in the Daily Telegraph newspaper.

"Canberra is sterile, soulless and manicured -- still six suburbs in search of city," he said.

"And when you take out the monuments, what you have left is a well-heeled but otherwise ordinary regional centre -- a clean, pleasant, liveable country town."

In championing Sydney's harbour, its "magnificent golden beaches" and its buzzing inner-city districts, Iemma said he didn't want to be too harsh about Canberra.

"After all, it is our national capital, home of our great national institutions. It belongs to every Australian...We should all take pride in it."

But no, he still had a last dig.

"It's easy to make cheap jokes about Canberra -- the frigid winters, the mass of politicians, the unusual conglomeration of businesses in Fyshwick, the dizzying roundabouts and so on."

Predictably, there was outrage in Canberra.

Iemma -- who has a reputation of being well manicured but as dull as he finds Canberra -- copped a bashing.

Journalist Cameron Ross pointed out that lest anyone think the "six suburbs in search of a city" line was original, wit Dorothy Parker wrote last century "Los Angeles is 72 suburbs in search of a city."

Said Ross in the Canberra Times: "Iemma's criticisms have been judged and dismissed comprehensively for what they are: ill-informed, stereotypical and gratuitous."

Nothing in the $A300,000 ($NZ360,000) campaign by the ACT Government could be said to be provocative or threatening to the NSW Government, said Ross.

"Though Iemma's comments have to be taken with a grain or three of salt, they do illustrate the continuing blind spot that many Australians have about Canberra, due to ignorance as much as bloodymindedness.

While Canberra could have grown to be a high-rise metropolis like Sydney, its planners mapped it out to be something different.

"High-rise developments were to be restricted, hills and mountains kept free of housing and other development, and a single city centre eschewed in favour of decentralised townships which would enable people to live near their work and spare the city from gradual entanglement by cars and roads."

It didn't work out perfectly and Canberra does have traffic problems, but nothing to the extend of Sydney gridlock.

Letter writers to the Canberra Times fired their bullets.

"It is well known that Canberra people are better educated and more culturally aware than those of other state capitals," wrote Magda Sitsky.

"Let's face it Mr Iemma, your remarks about Canberra reek of ignorance. People who choose to move here might very well be improving their cultural, as well as their environmental, lifestyle."

Others commented that Sydney was a useful "weekend suburb" for Canberra and that most Sydneysiders only got to see their harbour when it was on TV.

However, it appears Iemma's comments have given the ACT campaign a huge boost, with numerous inquiries from Sydney about shifting to Canberra.

Canberrans are not likely to acknowledge the favour and the scars of the Belconnen Magpies (Australian Rules) Football Club may take a while to heal.

In his spray, Iemma said that to compare Canberra was like comparing the Belconnen Magpies with the Sydney Swans -- "who in case you missed it are reigning AFL premiers."

The Magpies' John Kimball said that given the opportunity, a Canberra team would not have taken 70 years to win the premiership, referring to the length of time it took Sydney and the South Melbourne side it transplanted to win the Aussie Rules flag.

COLD CALLS TO BE CUT OFF

Sydney, April 7 NZPA - You're successfully doing two things at once: eating your dinner and watching the gripping finale of an old episode of Gunsmoke and the phone rings.

Someone from ABT (Annoying Bloody Telemarketers) is calling, asking if you would spare a quick couple of minutes to answer a few questions about road tolls.

"I can't because I'm feeding my 10 children," you lie, knowing Samantha from ABT will be harassingly persistent if she knows she is only interrupting your spaghetti bolognaise and Marshall Matt Dillon trying to rescue Miss Kitty from the latest bunch of outlaws invading Dodge City.

Samantha nevertheless persists and because you're tired you weaken and say OK, though knowing a quick couple of minutes elapse at the same pace as a slow couple of minutes.

Samantha asks whether you own a car. "No," you reply. Do you own any vehicle? "No," you answer, knowing that this sounds dodgy given you would need your own bus to transport those 10 fictitious offspring.

"I'm sorry sir, you are not eligible to continue with our survey," says Samantha abruptly. "Thank you for your time."

You got off lightly, but back on the couch, the spag is a couple of degrees colder and the Gunsmoke theme is playing as the credits roll down the screen.

You know Matt Dillon and Miss Kitty live to fight another day because it's an early episode but it is of little consolation.

It's a minor instance. One young Australian mum with a teething 10-month-old received 16 calls in just half a day from telemarketers spruiking products and doing surveys.

Australians received more than a billion calls from telemarketers last year, a household average of nearly three a week.

Remedies sought by recipients have included the blowing of whistles or more commonly, screamed abuse at the callers.

The federal Government has finally responded, promising a "Do Not Call" register, so that people who don't want to be called will gain protection from the law.

About four million people are expected to rush on to the register. Companies breaking the law face fines of up to $A220,000 ($NZ264,933) a day.

Self-regulation by the direct marketing industry proved toothless. It couldn't stop rogue operators harassing homes.

Communications Minister Helen Coonan said that under the free scheme, to start next year, individuals and businesses would be able to opt out of receiving unsolicited telemarketing calls.

"I'd certainly like to think that the establishment of a national "Do Not Call" register will certainly give families a bit of peace at meal times," Ms Coonan told the ABC.

"What it will do is allow people who don't want to be disturbed to not receive telemarketing calls, because they've put their name on this register."

There are, however, doubts about the effectiveness of such a register.

Groups who fall under the label of "specified public interest bodies", such as charities, political lobbyists and opinion pollsters, will be exempt and able to call people on the register.

Ms Coonan said that though charities could still call, there would be new rules governing when.

"What we'd like to do is to establish some standards so that, for example, on weekdays there aren't any calls after, say, 8 pm, and perhaps on weekends more like 5 pm. That would be something that will enable legitimate calls to be made within reasonable hours."

Both the United States and the United Kingdom have introduced "do not call" registers in recent years and they have proved popular, with 55 million in the US signing up.

New Zealand has resisted such a register, with telemarketers regulated by their own industry and additional protection to consumers coming from the Privacy Act.

Much of the direct marketing in Australia comes from overseas call centres, particularly India, acting on behalf of Australian companies and Ms Coonan expected those would come under the ambit of the new legislation.

The Government will provide $A17.2 million of the $A33 million establishment cost, with the remainder to come from the telemarketing industry.

The Australian Direct Marketing Association has questioned whether companies will be able to afford to fund the outstanding $A15.8 million.

It has also suggested the phone remedies could see an increase in direct marketers knocking on doors and soliciting business in city streets -- already a bugbear for many in central Sydney.

In the meantime more people are opting for caller identification on their phones and refuse to answer them unless they know who is ringing.

Smart folk -- they can watch Gunsmoke in peace.

RUTHLESS TAMSYN SEIZES GOLD MEDAL

Sydney, March 26 NZPA - Australians ruthless at their sport? If there ever was an instance that screamed out the answer "yes", it came last Sunday night at the Melbourne Cricket Ground athletics.

The Commonwealth Games were winding to a close and one of the final events on the track was the 4 X 400m women's relay.

England won by more than 10 metres, but was disqualified after a protest by the Australian team, which was subsequently awarded the gold medal.

After the race, Tamsyn Lewis, who ran the third leg for Australia, told her teammates that England's Natasha Danvers had moved to her inside ahead of the second baton change.

Under the rules, runners are sent onto the track by officials in the same order as their incoming athletes reach the 200m mark. At that stage, Australia was running second behind Jamaica with England's Nicola Sanders third, but closing fast.

Danvers should not have placed herself on Lewis' inside, but there was no correction by officials and no contact with Lewis.

What stuck in the the British craw was that Lewis made no attempt to take back her position, instead waiting until after the race to lodge a protest.

"Ooh yeah, I was aware of it," she laughed afterwards. "I couldn't get many words out after my race but I managed to get it out to the girls that England should be disqualified because they jumped in front.

"It is an unfortunate thing to happen because rules are rules and I am happy with gold."

Gold at all cost, it seems.

The English athletes were furious. "The protest was not warranted," said Danvers. "It is not fair. We deserved gold. We were clearly ahead. I was concentrating on my runner Nicola Sanders coming down the straight, nothing else. I was not concentrating on Tamsyn. I have not heard good things about Tamsyn."

Danvers-Smith's husband and coach Darrell Smith was blunter.

"It is a very unprofessional way to achieve a gold medal. Just because you are at home does not give you the right to win at all costs. It is cheating."

England's Daily Telegraph called it a "disgraceful act of gamesmanship that went against the spirit of the so-called Friendly Games".

Although the incident was downplayed in the Australian media, it was revved up a few days later when Australian running great Ron Clarke dished it out his countrywomen.

"I am absolutely appalled by what went on and frankly our girls should never have accepted the medal," Clarke told Sydney's Daily Telegraph.

"How can they accept a gold medal when they were out-raced? They should give their gold medals to England without hesitation."

Officials had shown leniency to Asafa Powell when he crossed a lane during his 100m semifinal win, reportedly because the action had not inconvenienced anyone, but the English runners were shown no such compassion.

Another former star athlete, Raelene Boyle, questioned their role.

"I can't understand where the officials were throughout all this. Why wasn't he or she standing right there and instructing the runners where to position themselves. I think it could have been far better handled and common sense should have prevailed.

"What would've happened if the Australians had won clearly and the English protested... in order to get a gold medal?"

Clarke had the answer to that. "We would've become a republic." The interesting role in all of this came from Jana Pittman, who ran the last leg for Australia.

The Telegraph in London reported her saying: "I'm not associating myself with that decision. England won the gold medal." And it said the disqualified English athletes applauded her for that stance but The Age newspaper reported that Pittman was elated when the decision was made to award Australia first placing.

"We won gold," she was quoted as saying. "We did it. We did it." But when she saw an upset Danvers she put her arm around her and stopped celebrating.

"As far as we are concerned they are the gold medallists," Pittman then said. "And we've got it by default. Ultimately they are the champions, but if we get it, we have to take it humbly. Look at it, they beat us by 10 metres.

The irony is that Pittman and Lewis are often at loggerheads. They indulged in a much-reported "catfight" in the lead-up to the Games, yet when this situation begged for Pittman to take an opposing voice to Lewis, they protested to officials together.

In another irony, the Sydney Morning Herald's Stay In Touch column this week reported on the comments of Sparc chief executive Nick Hill that New Zealanders tended to be too nice, but that Australians were extraordinarily direct and ruthless in comparison.

"Bullshit," said the Herald.

Hmm.

ADVANCE AND RAISE YOUR ARMS

Melbourne, March 26 NZPA - Yes, there was some marvellous competition and maybe that will be the lingering memory of the Melbourne Commonwealth Games, but in the short-term the things that shouldn't matter will nag at me.

My current fear is that I'll curse five seconds after waking every morning for the rest of the year because I've realised I'm mentally singing Advance Australia Fair.

At the Commonwealth Games, it was the dominant theme. Australia won more than 80 gold medals and that meant more than 80 renditions of "our home is girt by sea".

The trouble is, the home broadcaster Channel Nine played those medal ceremonies over and over again.

At the media centre, there were channels dedicated to each sport in action at any one time and they showed the medal ceremonies too.

Some nights when they were all blaring, you could hear Advance Australia Fair sung a cappella, so it's no wonder heaps of people are complaining it's etched on the back of their brains.

It often seemed they were not the Commonwealth Games, they were the Australian Games.

Channel Nine unashamedly sought out Australian winners and ignored others. Promised coverage of the sevens final was dropped when Australia missed the final.

Small countries complained they were being denied their brief televised moment in the sun.

Delaying coverage can have its pitfalls. When the Australian non-actor Brad Pitt was winning gold in the boxing ring on Saturday, Nine were interviewing the Games florist.

Serves 'em right if they get grief for that.

They were not only the Australian Games, they were the regulated Games.

Wherever you went there was a ticket inspector with a clipboard, a pass inspector with a clipboard, a security guard with a wand, a bus warden with a clipboard, a parking warden and an unsmiling X-ray machine operator.

The Games organisers had hosts of volunteers, in the main cheery folk checking tickets and passes and giving directions.

A minority took their jobs far too seriously. You could sense the empowerment they received from their aqua-coloured uniforms.

They shouldn't have grabbed people by the shoulder to tell them they weren't not allowed in the officials-only zone, but you know.... give an Aussie a uniform and I'll show you a dictator.

In too many cases, even the good guys were administering iron-cast rules to situations that demanded flexibility and this often caused friction.

Buses, for example, were sent on the most time-consuming circuitous routes. The bus trip from the media venue at the Exhibition Centre took half-an-hour to get to the netball courts. A driver told me he could get there in six minutes if he was allowed to take his own route.

"Some bloody boffin at a computer designed this. Why we have to go through the central streets stumps me. They never consulted a bus driver about this."

And then there were the security checks. Yes, in this terrorised world, it seems to be necessity, but several times a day is tedious, particularly when after emptying your pockets of mobile phone and handfuls of coins and having your laptop searched for a pocket howitzer, the red-uniformed security master chooses you to be searched by the wand waver.

It happened so many times to me, I automatically raise my arms when I see anyone dressed in red.

One day I was inevitably chosen by the master for the wand, but the wand-waving woman, God bless her, told me I could go on through. I almost kissed her, but there was a hiccup.

The master told the wand waver: "It is rude to the gentleman to be told he will be searched and then not to search him."

I was about to say "it's OK, I am most unoffended", but the wand-waver retorted that she had to be allowed the authority to make her own decision on who to search.

"We searched one in five at the shooting yesterday," she screeched.

"We do one in four here," he snarled, as I gathered up my bag and phone and empty wallet and coins and moved quickly forward.

Colleague Kevin Norquay got snarled at when a golf tee emerged from one of his pockets at a search station.

"Don't bring that tomorrow," the security guard warned.

I got a similar response when I appeared at the search booth with a brown paper bag.

"What is in the brown paper bag?" asked a security guard.

"A sandwich," I said.

"That's a no-no sir."

"Why?"

"Because there is splendid catering inside the building."

"But don't have wholemeal sandwiches."

(They do, but I was famished).

"I'll let you away with it this time, sir, but not again. If it was McDonalds or Subway, there is no way you could bring them in."

I had a final victory. I was heading towards the search booth one day when a limo drove up and out popped the great George Foreman, about to head to watch a Games boxing contest.

"Are you enjoying Melbourne?" I inquired as a bodyguard bigger than George advanced forward.

"Love it here, great place, great people."

I was about to ask my "scoop" question - "are you devastated to be two days late to see the New Zealand boxers in action?" - but a Channel 9 greaser butted in and got George to repeat his views about Melbourne and the weather.

The guts of it was that I walked ahead of George and his retinue into the search booth.

They gestured me through, wands behind their backs. They waved George through wandless too.

See, there are ways around everything.