ANTHEM FLU ABOUT TO STRIKE

by Greg Tourelle of NZPA

Sydney, March 10 - Get ready for anthem flu.

Don't be fooled by stories of champion Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe being out of the Commonwealth Games with bronchial problems. He's been struck with anthem anxiety.

That's an early symptom of full blown anthem flu. Another is anthemophobia, where sufferers foam at the mouth at the first two bars of Advance Australia Fair.

Anthem flu is about to run rife in Australia. New Zealanders, due to their close proximity, won't be immune. It will affect the whole Commonwealth in varying degrees.

And there will be next to no escape.

Betting agencies in Australia are predicting the host country will win close to 100 gold medals at the Games, which open on Wednesday.

That's a century of renditions of "Australians all, let us rejoice for we are young and free ...." and some torturous phrases thereafter.

While the Thorpedo has already gone down with the flu, Australian sports fanatics -- other than those in Sydney who don't care for Melbourne's Games -- are not paying attention to the devastating effects of anthem flu, believing he has bronchitis.

That has caused its own anxiety problems. Thorpe was considered a home run for a handful of gold -- without him and Grant Hackett Australia's male presence in the pool is looking limp.

Thorpe's mere absence has caused mourning on the scale of Phar Lap's death and Bradman's golden duck.

Courier-Mail newspaper Mike Colman put it like this. "U2 is playing in Melbourne next week ... but Bono won't be with them. The movie Capote will be on show at the same time ... but all the scenes with Philip Seymour Hoffman will be cut.

"Oh, and Channel 7 will air episodes three and four of Dancing With The Stars without any of the stars, just the professionals dancing by themselves.

"Pick any analogy you like.

"With Ian Thorpe pulling out yesterday the Melbourne Commonwealth Games are a pub with no beer. Put purely and simply, Australia's biggest sporting event of the year has lost its marquee attraction."

Unfortunately for Colman, U2 pulled out its Melbourne and other antipodean concerts the next day. Perhaps they got wind of anthem flu.

A web site dedicated to Ian Thorpe ran the comforting headline: Ian Thorpe is Only Human, with an opening line of: Contrary to what people sometimes think, Ian Thorpe is not -- and never has been -- Superman.

Even if he was Superman, he would have had trouble concentrating on the Games television coverage. Foxtel in Australia has seven different Games channels offering wall-to-wall sport. It is promoting, among other specials, 100 hours of badminton.

If the Aussies don't get facial tics trying to keep a straight face singing so often that their home is girt by sea, they'll go cross-eyed watching shuttlecocks fly back and forth across their screens with the only interruption being a sign saying: Brand new game coming up; 79 hours of thrilling badminton still to come.

The Australians of course love winning and are doing all in their power to reap a golden harvest, little realising how anthem flu will strike them.

Sydney radio hosts Merrick and Rosso obviously see New Zealand as a major threat at the Games and have tried to put the Kiwis off.

Merrick, or was it Rosso, rang a New Zealand hotel receptionist during the week pretending to be one of Aussie's other swim guns in Michael Klim.

A coughing Klim said he had bird flu, contracted from a swimming pool in Hong Kong with chickens in it, and he wanted her to pass that to the New Zealand athletes, hoping they would stay at home.

The originally interested receptionist realised something was up, but restricted her comment to "Okay, fair enough."

Said Rosso, or was it Merrick: "You plant the seed in the minds of the Kiwi team, and they go all right then..."

But the New Zealanders will be there, hoping to better their Manchester haul of 11 golds, 13 silvers and 21 bronze.

There is not much betting activity involving the Kiwis' chances in Melbourne. Sportsbook.com.au has an option offering $1.80 for NZ winning 45-1/2 medals and more, and the same price for 45-1/2 medals and fewer.

On the Australian gold medal tally, the lowest price with that agency is $3.25 for 91-100 medals, with $3.50 for 81 to 90 and $4 for 101-110.

Without wishing to rain on their parade, let's hope they don't make the ton. Too many people will get sick.